A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
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I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[eulogy]
line?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
So glad we cleared that up
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille