I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Breaking news:
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…