Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
The only equipped I am is ill.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.