THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
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Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
a fate I wish upon no one
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Couldn鈥檛 think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
your quarterback name is your grandfather鈥檚 first name and the last thing you did mine鈥檚 Dom Paintwall. ok you go
please sir. my hands. they鈥檙e very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that鈥檚 enough for you. NEXT
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are 拢1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If I were Noah, I鈥檇 be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
North and South
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn鈥檛 a part of the baby making ceremony I don鈥檛 want to be a part of naming it.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they鈥檙e pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is