The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Schrödinger’s cookie