“and you are November’s PM yes?”
You Might Also Like
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
the greatest twitter interaction
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence