My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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look at me when i’m typing to you
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek