Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
When can I start eating bats again.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire