This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
huge valentines day plans this year!!
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo