[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
They say women only use 10% of their anger
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
girls literally only want one thing..
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.