How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
who did the taste test?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other