accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it