Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
can I use a minion as a tampon
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”