Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach