Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen