A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
My love language is hissing.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.