[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet