Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.