You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
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“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon