I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
This is the one
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.