me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.