COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
When I laugh on my period
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.