8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
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My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
😏😏😏
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of