Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?