I have a new favorite meme page
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!