All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Saw online –
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.