[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You Might Also Like
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Before & after 😅
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”