To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”