[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.