Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
live long and prosper!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The “baby” on the left….
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.