Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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Thank you corporation very cool
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Okay me first
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Good morning!
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I am all good here, 😂😉