Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
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If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out