a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value