facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”