My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
You Might Also Like
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that