A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.