My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
lmao
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*