I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.