my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
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Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Just grow your own
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
I’m aging like a fine banana
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.