Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.