Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy