Lassie, get help!
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Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
This kid is a star!
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
happy valentine’s day to me
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
🌱🌱🌱
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife