My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!