[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
m’lady
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it