So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her