Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
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NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
smartest karate player in the world
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.