“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
tis the season
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.