Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
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I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND