Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
rich people when they have to pay taxes
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.