“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
You Might Also Like
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
#math
bought wrong eggs
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Bootstraps
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]